Videotaping

There now exists a video of me reading the gospel and presiding at Eucharist.  No, I'm not just really self-centered and thought it would be fun.  Quite the contrary.  It was a required assignment for Worship class.  We got into groups and had to prepare a worship service.  Each person was videotaped twice - once as presiding minister, once as assisting minister.  We had to chant the Dialogue and the Proper Preface.

I hate my recorded voice.  If I actually sound like that, I wonder why anyone ever puts up with listening to me.  I'm not fond of having my picture taken...thus videotaping is even worse.  I have only sung a solo once.  It was for an elementary school singing contest.  A bunch of other students sang solos and there was also a contest for band members.  A bunch of us went.  A I was the highest score you could get.  Every single person who went that day, singing or playing an instrument got a I.  Except for me.  That kind of ruined me on the whole singing by myself thing (well, actually singing in public in general).

Thus, I was really not looking forward to being videotaped chanting prayers.  Suprisingly, though, two weeks ago when we had a singing workshop in class, the leader pointed to me and I immediately sung without hesitation.

So then we had to do this videotaping.  We spent about an hour and a half last Friday.  There were four of us in my group and our professor was there.  He provided some piano music at certain points in the service.  The tech guy came and set up the camera.  I was the last one to be Presiding Minister.  I read the gospel.  I sang the Dialogue and other parts of the communion liturgy.  We did the post-communion prayer and sending.

I thought we would be set free.

No such luck.  I should have known better.  We were scheduled for three hours and the taping took less than two.  After we were done recording, our professor said "Ok.  Let's take a 10 minute break and meet up in room 207."

Crap.  We're gonna watch them.

We went up to the classroom, and sure enough, the projection screen was down and the tech guy was setting up the computer.  We watched the videos.  Watched mine last.

I was completely surprised.  I did not hate it!  I should have projected more (imagine that, me needing to project??), but I could hear myself.  And my singing, though definitely not show-quality, didn't suck.  We talked about it for about 10 minutes.  A comment made by a classmate was that during the singing, even though I didn't quite have the tune all the time, I kept going and no one would have known any different.  I.e. I didn't pause, laugh, or try to fix it, I just went with it.

A comment from my professor was about my reading of the gospel.  He said that when he'd been listening, he'd been thinking "this is going really well - why is that?"  He said he thought about it and it was because there is something about my 'gentle demeanor' that "makes us feel comfortable and trusting in your reading."  On the grade sheet, he wrote that I "have a fine, warm presence."

I think I am hearing these types of comments enough (trusting, calm, warm - I've heard them in previous jobs and in CPE) that I am actually starting to believe that that may be one of my finest gifts.

Doesn't mean I want to be videotaped again anytime soon, though.

Seminary Struggles

So, I think it's about time I came out. No - not about THAT! Most people know about that. And if not, well.....umm....I can only be in this ELCA candidacy process because of the changes that were made at the 2009 ChurchWide Assembly.

That coming out has been a life-changing and life-affirming decision. I hope that this coming out will be as beneficial.

I need to come out that I am struggling a lot with my discernment towards ordained ministry. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I struggled a lot with CPE and at one point, I did allude to the fact that I questioned if I should be in seminary. But I'm done with allusions. I'll just say it: I don't know if I should remain in seminary and the process toward ordained ministry.

I realize this may be a shock to you. To the general public, I have kept this pretty much a secret because I thought maybe I was going through a phase, or I was just really stressed with CPE, or that I just needed more time to think about it. But now it's time to let the cat out of the bag because I need prayers to help me. I pray often about this subject, but ordained ministry is not just about me - it is about the whole community of faith. It is not just a decision I make on my own. I make it in community with belief that God is working through us all.

The first time I questioned this call after coming to Chicago was in the beginning months of last semester. I was struggling a lot with a few classes, Greek in particular, and I just really didn't want to be back in academia. This was an unusual experience for me because in the past, I have really enjoyed being in school. I got over that when I realized that I would pass all of my classes (even Greek!) and I wrote a few papers where I really got into the topic.

I questioned the call when I was having difficulties finding a CPE site. After one of my interviews, I immediately sent Rebecca a text that said "After that interview, I should just drop out now." It was a horrible interview, I felt horrible and figured that if I was going to have to deal with that, I was not going to survive. About a week later is when I had my wonderful CPE interview at Rush. I felt immediately connected and at ease with Mary, who was to become my supervisor.

CPE started and I was excited until about day 2 when I became completely terrified. I don't like hospitals and was scared of being a pastoral caregiver, as I had really never done that before. And you should have seen me on my first solo on-call. In my final evaluation, Mary wrote that she was not sure I would make it though. I didn't think I would, either. Clearly I did, but it was not a fun experience.

One of my written out, official CPE goals was simply making it through the unit. Another official goal was discerning my call to ministry. Early on, we had to draw pictures of where we were and where we hoped to be after the unit. One of my 'now' pictures was me on the ELCA ordination ladder, about three steps up. The 'after' picture had two - one of me farther up the ladder, one with me completely off of it. I didn't know what direction I was going. And clearly I have not succeeded in reaching that goal yet, as I am still undecided about what to do.

I grew so much in CPE. My group was full of grace and support and this very issue was the topic of many a group and individual session. Their input ranged from one day, them all 'ganging up' on me to stay in to another day, it being acknowledged that my reasons for wanting to quit were fully legitimate, understandable and reasonable.

One of those reasons is that I have heard that people in my position can expect to wait at least 3 years to receive a first call. I understand that people not in my position sometimes wait that long as well. There are bishops who will not even look at our paperwork. That action alone takes a whole bunch of churches out of the realm of possibility. I know that changes can only occur if people are willing and able to stand up to them and/or wait around until something happens. But I am not sure if I am one of those people for many reasons.

I really don't have the right personality to be in people's faces, trying to force them to do something different. Confrontation has never been my strong suit

Should I really wait that long to find a ministry? I will be nearly 35 years old when I graduate. While I realize this is not old, it is older than a lot of my classmates, and a 3+ year wait means I could be in my 40s before receiving a first call. Are there other ways I could be of service now? I learned a whole lot in CPE. One of those things was that I really do have passions for helping people. But maybe those people are not in the hospital or in a church. Maybe they are out there in society, struggling with things that they would never talk about to a pastor.

I am going to come out again, on another topic. In CPE, I shared an experience in my life that happened over and over in different ways. I worked in a humane society for seven years, and for about four of those years, I was a participant in the euthanasia aspect of shelter life. While we were not a huge shelter and did not euthanize dozens of animals every day like some do, we had our fair share. I learned in sharing this experience that this had profound effects on me: socially, emotionally and spiritually, and I have never really talked about it before. It occurred to me that I am probably not the only one who has been affected in these ways and I've been thinking that maybe I could turn this into a ministry - ministering to people who have to deal with this horrible reality. I know that this is an area that a lot of people will not talk about to 'outsiders.' But I have shared in that experience and thus, people may be willing to let me into this area of their lives. I am not exactly sure how that would play out yet, but I am excited about the possibilities.

I have not come to this point of considering leaving seminary lightly. I discussed it all the time at CPE. I've talked to pastors and teachers. I've talked to friends and family. And now I need the prayers of everyone who is supporting me in this journey. I am not alone on this journey and I hope that you are willing to take these difficult steps with me.

St. Patrick's Day!

Yes. They really do dye the river green. It turns into a neon green. Potentially radioactive? Let's hope not!

As you've probably guessed by now, I went downtown for St. Patrick's Day. Rebecca came to visit (to celebrate no more CPE for me!!!). We decided to go downtown on Saturday. When walking to the Metra station, we found a few of my classmates and ended up walking around with them for a while. They dyed the river at 10am.

How do they do it? Well, there's a speed boat (not the boat in the pic) and a guy sits on the back of it with a grass-spreader type thing and dumps red powder into the river. When it hits the water, the water turns bright yellow. And then it turns neon green. Then the boat, and another behind it, drive around in the neon water to spread it out until it's all neon. Very weird. Yet very cool. I think I heard someone say they've been doing this for around 50 years.

Then we walked to the parade, stopping for Subway lunch on the way. The longest parade ever. We stayed for an hour and a half and still didn't see it all. And couldn't see much anyway because of all the people.

One of my CPE friends was also going to the parade and Rebecca wanted to meet him. I texted him before the parade to see where we should meet and he told me he was going to be in the parade! I didn't see him, but he was on a float. After the parade, he sent a text that he was at a friend's house downtown so we walked there and met up with them. The friend lives on the 22nd floor...REALLY nice downtown views! I'm sure that condo costs more than my house. Although I'd rather have the yard :)

Anyway, we chatted with them for a while and they decided to go out, so we went out with them for a few hours and had a great time.

Sunday, Rebecca and I went to a UCC church where we know the pastor (I needed to visit a non-Lutheran church for a worship paper). We then went back downtown and walked around the parks and just had a really good, leisurely day. Monday I had class and then we walked to the lake. Tuesday we went back to the lake before she went home.

All in all, St. Patrick's Day in Chicago was lots of fun!

Play Day!!

Today was an awesome day! The morning started at 8:30 with Graduation
Breakfast. There is a reception-hall type room at Rush where it was held. Eggs,
sausage, bacon, tater tots, fruits and pastries. Yummy!

After eating, at about 9:00, Mary opened it up for anyone to say anything
about us or us about them. Many of the staff and residents spoke about us,
individually and as a group. It was great to hear feedback from them. A couple
of the comments were about the fact that we will be forever known as the "Tower
Move Interns." Rush moved into the new tower four days after we started. The
department head told us that ususally, interns are broken in gradually, over
about two weeks. But that we had three days and then a new hospital! One of the
residents said something about normally, you're thrown into the deep end, but we
were taken to the middle of Lake Michigan and left there! Another staff member
said that this unit flew by - and that meant that we had fit into the fabric of
the department very well.

Mary then had our certificates to give us and each one of us came up and
she said a few words and gave us the certificate. We then got in a tiny circle
and everyone gatherered around us and put hands on us, and said prayers.
Afterwards, we gave hugs, said our goodbyes and had our picture taken.

We were to meet at the Kidston elevators at 10:30. I went to get my parking
stamped at Volunteer Services. The volunteer made me show my badge, then told me
I needed to be wearing it if I was in the hospital. This is only the second time
I've been 'carded' and I've never been yelled at for it! Oh, well.

Went back to the office and turned in my pager, lab coat, booklet and
nametag. We could keep our nametag if we want to be on the on-call list for if
people are sick. Yeah......don't think so! Eleanor commented "I don't think Jen
wants to be on the on-call list...."

We then walked to the Pink Line and got a train ticket. We took it to the
Sears Tower. Oops. It's now actually the Willis Tower. Whatever. Mary bought our
tickets to go up. We went up, walked around, took some pictures. We went out on
the ledges and it was awesome! Had people take our pictures. The picture above
is of our feet on the ledge. We also had the professionals take a picture and
Mary bought one. The department has pictures in the hallway of all of the CPE
groups since around 1980. So the one she bought will be the one on the wall.
We're the first ones to have it taken there!! Awesome views, awesome
experience.

We then got back on the train and went to lunch at Ed Debevic's, a
50's-style diner where the waitresses are rude (they're supposed to be). But the
food was really good. And I have leftovers :) We stayed there, talked and ate.
Had a great time.

We then walked back to the train station and said goodbye to Mike, as he
was going to go home from there. Mary, Nick and I got on the train and went back
to Rush. Nick and I said goodbye to Mary then walked to the parking garage,
where we said goodbye. Though we are planning to meet at the St. Patrick's Day
parade on Saturday and I'm going to try to come back to Rush sometime next unit
and have lunch with him. He is doing another unit starting on Tuesday.

Although I am not going to miss CPE, I am really going to miss these three
people.

Final Evaluations

Tuesday, March 13 was Final Evaluation Day. We had to complete a self-evaluation. The document had the specific CPE goals. After each one, there were four levels, and we were to check one of them, where we thought we were. We then had some questions to answer to elaborate on why we checked what we checked. The original document was 4 pages long. My completed one, after nearly 3 hours at Regenstein, ended up being 9. In small font, single spaced.

So we got to the office on Wednesday and printed our evaluations and made copies for everyone. We then went to Bishop Anderson House, which is a department at Rush in the building behind where the RHHV department is. Mary brought us some fruit, scones, cinammon rolls and orange juice for breakfast.

As the coffee was being made, Mary asked us who wanted to go first. I said "I call last place!" So I went last.

The three of us each spent about an hour reading our evaluation. We then had time for feedback from each other over what we had written, and Mary gave feedback and asked some questions. We took a short break between each one and we were done by about 12:30.

So then we went to lunch. We walked down Taylor Street and found Hawkeye's Bar & Grill. The others had made some other suggestions, but since I'm picky, I said no to all of them. :) But the food was GOOD! I still have some leftovers, actually. It was a really good lunch, just the four of us talking and eating.

We got back to Rush at a little after 2:00 and went home.

Wednesday afternoon, we had Cirriculum Evaluation, where we met with Joann, one of the other CPE advisors. We had a sheet to fill out that listed all of the activities we had done and we rated them and made comments. We took about an hour discussing our unit, what had been good, what we learned, what could be changed. We also had a conversation with her about where we should eat for Play Day.....since Jen is picky. She called me an 'anomoly' when I told her I wouldn't eat tomatoes or cucumbers but that I'd wanted to go skydiving for Play Day (I was informed that was not in the budget)

All in all, evaluations were good.

I am done with those stress-inducing, anxiety-ridden things called on-calls. Done, I say, DONE!!!

Today's title is also the Facebook status I posted at about 9:30 this morning. It, of course, means that I have completed all of my required on-calls at the hospital! Much thanks to Abbas, who had strep throat in mid-February and to Nick, who suggested I take that oncall so that I didn't have to come back next Monday and do one.

Yesterday's oncall was a lovely farewell gift. I was there for 24 hours. I received two phone calls and three pages. My oncall report had I believe six lines in it and three of those were referred to other people. I had one death and one code blue.

I actually did a lot of reading for seminary classes while I was oncall yesterday.

It was also kind of my intent to work on my CPE Final Evaluation while I was oncall. I scrapped that idea, though, when I realized that oncalls produce too much anxiety in me for me to be able to write much of anything. So I read instead and decided to finish my evaluation today.

I left the hospital at about 9:00 this morning, after oncall report. I came home and did laundry because we have to return our lab coats clean and washed. I then ate lunch and then took about a 3 1/2 hour nap. Even though I didn't have many calls last night, one of them was at 3am and I never get much sleep, or at least good sleep, at the hospital.

After my nap, I figured I should go be productive. So I went to the library at the University of Chicago, walked completely around three floors of the bookstacks before finally finding an empty study carrel. I stayed there for over 2.5 hours writing my evaluation. A few weeks ago, when I scanned the document, I didn't think it would be too difficult or too much to worry about. Last week when I actually read it, and talked to others who have been interns, I realized it was going to be more time consuming and more work than I thought it was.

So we had nothing scheduled on Thursday or Friday. I just couldn't get motivated to write more than a few sentences here and there. And then Friday afternoon was spent dealing with a POA issue on my floor. So not much got done.

But now it's done. I'll reread it again, and maybe make some final edits before bedtime, but it's done. It's 9 pages, in 11 pt single spaced Times New Roman. I had no idea I had that much to say about CPE.

5 Down, 1 to Go!

So Friday was solo on-call #5 and next Sunday will be #6...which will be the last!!

Friday day was pretty quiet. Some pages I was able to refer to other chaplains. Got busier in the evening with basic visits. One death in the AM that I had been aware of as being a possibility.

Page at 1:00 for another family of a patient who was near death. They wanted a priest for last rites. I went to offer support and prayer, but since I couldn't do the last rites, they didn't really want me.

I am kinda fascinated (and yet, also frustrated and somewhat annoyed) by the fact that people get upset when there isn't a Catholic priest available at the hospital at any time (this was 1 AM). We do have priests who come at regular scheduled hours. But not one there 24/7. Rush is not a Catholic hospital.

Anyway. I am looking forward to March 15. I am counting down to March 15. Literally. I cross of each day when it's over. And in my planner, I have a countdown in the corner of each day. I am ready for CPE to end. I've actually been ready for it to end way before it ever started. I like my group, I like the other chaplains. I do not like being a hospital chaplain.

March 15 is the final day of CPE. We will graduate and then we will have "Play Day," though we have yet to decide what we're going to do.