Yes, I have fears

I wrote this blog entry almost two months ago. I've gone back and forth numerous times as to if I should post it or not, for several reasons. 1)In it, I share some of my fears about seminary. I do not like to talk about my fears. I hate showing weakness or vulnerability - especially when I don't know who I'm showing them to. 2)My fears seem so petty when there are other people out there who have real problems -like not being able to meet their basic needs. 3)It's a bit contradictory. I talk about my fears and then state that I know they will get worked out. 4)It's sharing something 'real' about myself - and I'm not always so good at doing that.

After rereading it again, I have decided to post it. Some of my fears I talk about have lessened since writing it, but they haven't disappeared. Mostly, I've decided to post because this blog is called "Jen's Seminary Journey." If I really want to share the "Journey" with you, then that involves sharing more than just the required steps of the ELCA process and their outcome. Yes, this journey is about that. But the actual journey involves more than spelled out steps. It involves my feelings about the process, my joys, my hopes, and yes, my fears. If I want to share this journey with you, I can't pretend like these less visable steps are not happening.

So.....here goes....from about two months ago:

“We want to let you know what a pleasure it was reading your application. Your many gifts, intellectual curiosity, and enthusiasm make you an excellent candidate for seminary education. We at the Lutheran School of Theology at Chicago will be enriched by your presence here among us.”

Those are the opening words of a letter I received last week from LSTC. It went on to tell me that they have reviewed my financial aid application and I will receive a grant of $4,200 towards my tuition for my first year at seminary. That is approximately 1/3 of the entire tuition of $12,906

I must admit, I had mixed feelings when I received this letter. I am grateful that financial aid is available. There is no way I can go to seminary without it. And I do not know how much I was expecting. But I know my initial reaction was that $4,200is a long way from the $12,000 tuition and even farther from the actual cost of a year of seminary of nearly $30,000.

I freak out about money a lot. I feel I have been financially responsible all of my adult life (and even before!) and I am terrified of messing that up. The only debts I personally have are for my house and my previous college and post-college educations. I do not live paycheck to paycheck as many do. I have some left over at the end of the month. I have emergency funds and retirement accounts. I’ve spent hours with online calculators trying to figure out the exact amount I need to pay each month in order to save the most on student loan interest.

But I am scared that when I go to school, things will change. I’ve been in the workforce long enough to know that I won’t be able to go without working. As it is, in the 14 years I have been a member of the workforce, less than 12 months of that were spent only working one job. The rest of the time, I’ve had at least two jobs, and sometimes three. So I will still work. But it’s going to be a part-time job because my main focus HAS to be my education and my field placement and ministry opportunities.

I wasn’t afraid of student loan debt when I was in college. My parents paid part of my tuition, I paid some, I got some financial aid, and the rest was federal loans. When I got out, I had less than the average amount and with consolidating them, I got a killer interest rate ($1.875% - I have no fantasies of ever seeing THAT again!). Loans is what you did. Though I do know some people who escaped Hanover with $0 due in repayment.

When I got my Certificate at Sullivan University, they didn’t even talk to me about financial aid. Because I was not a Kentucky resident at the time, they immediately told me I didn’t qualify for any of it. I didn’t know any better, and I knew that I wouldn’t qualify for most scholarships because of the type of program it was (something between undergrad and graduate). They told me I could get everything paid for with loans. Which I did. In so doing, I doubled the student loan debt that I had. (go figure that one out – four years of a small liberal arts college equals the same debt load of 9 months at Sullivan.....the difference between not-for profit and for-profit, I guess)

Anyway. I pay my loan bills each month and slowly but surely, they are going down. So is my mortgage (even slower!!) When I go to seminary, Hanover loans and Sullivan loans will go into deferment. My interest rates are so low, that it isn’t going to cost me a whole lot to do that. And, if I pay the interest each year, I’ll keep the total lower and will still get the tax deduction. But I am afraid of the possibility of doubling, tripling or even quadrupling the amount of student loan debt I will have by the time I get through.

I know, down to the depths of my soul that God will provide. He has proven that to me over and over again. The fact that I work at St. John is verification of that. The night before I was offered this job, I had a mini panic attack over finances. I work part-time at Target as an Early Morning Flow Team Member. I started that in October. The plan was for me to have a full-time job at a law office or somewhere else before my seasonal employment ran out. That didn’t happen and I was blessed to be kept on permanently. However, hours at retail stores are plentiful in the holiday season….and not so much afterwards. Christmas was over and my 30+ hours a week went down to 18...and a week later down to 13.5. The day after Christmas (Sunday) I sat down with all of my numbers and figured out that 18 hours was not going to cut it. Not even close. I went into panic mode, chastising myself for employment choices I had made, and preparing myself to go even more into super “apply for every job that is even remotely an option” mode.

And that night, as I was lying in bed, I had a big ‘ol talk with God. Basically, I told him that I didn’t know what to do. That I had applied for every job I could find and I had gotten….NOWHERE. That I had done what I knew to do. I was crying my eyes out to God and I simply said “I don’t know what else to do. I give this to you. You can fix it. Fix it!” I’m pretty sure I added a ‘please,’ but I literally threw my hands in the air and gave it to him.

That doesn’t mean I felt any better. The next day at Target (I work the 4AM shift) I was not in a good mood. From my perspective, nothing had changed. But mine wasn’t the only perspective. Unbeknownst to me, leaders and members of my congregation were also struggling. They had spent weeks going over applications, interviewing perspective candidates and meeting together to figure out who was going to be the next Administrative Assistant. They had chosen one whom they thought was a good fit and who would do the job well. She, after training for three days, decided that it wasn’t the job for her and had quit – the day after Christmas.

So when I walked into St. John that Monday after my shift, I was in need of employment and my beloved church was in need of an Administrative Assistant. God had not only provided me (and the church), but he had done so very efficiently!

So I KNOW that if I am really supposed to go this route (and I believe with all my heart that I am), God will make it happen. God has placed me in a family and community of support. But right now, I don’t see that. Right now, all I see is a number that I will owe that is significantly more than my bank accounts hold.

And that is part of what makes me human. And what makes me sinful. I know that God will provide. I don’t know how, but I know he will. That doesn’t stop me from doubting, worrying and wanting to somehow control it myself.. Jesus’ words in Matthew 6 are a great comfort to me: “do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink...Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life...that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry...your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

God tells us not to worry about the future. That if he cares for tiny birds and grass, that he will also care for us, and even more so. But I still struggle. I struggle to give up control. I struggle to admit that I can’t do everything myself. I struggle to let go of things. I struggle to let others do things that I think I should do myself. I struggle to let others take care of me. I struggle to “Let go and let God” even though I know that if I do that, everything will work out. God wants to take care of me. In my defiance and sinfulness, I tend to resist him (either intentionally or unintentionally) until, in desperation, I cry out to him to “Fix it!” I am working on trying to give it up to him before it gets to that point. I think he would appreciate it and I know I would sleep better.