Challenge. Frustration. Learning. Friends. Reflection. Analysis. Fear. Anxiety. Tears. Laughs. Fatigue. Goals. Surprise.
Those are just a few of the words I would use to describe my first two weeks of my 11-week stint as a hospital chaplain. I really like everyone I have met there. The RHHV (Religion, Health and Human Values) department is made up of a wonderful group of staff, residents, interns, externs and one volunteer (who had previously been an intern).
My cohort/peer group of interns is great. Mike, Nick and I seem to work well together and get along just fine. Mary is our supervisor and she has been great as well.
However, this experience has not come without its challenges for me. Most of this is not going to be news to you, but just to highlight some aspects:
1) I am a very introverted person. It is not really in my nature to just walk up to someone and start talking to them. We are required to do this, pretty much on a daily basis when we are on our units. This is affectionately known as "Cold Calling" We know nothing about a patient (well, I try to at least look up their name and gender), and we go in their room to talk to them. This is a challenge for me because, even when the visits go really well, it is hard to make that first step and conversing with someone I do not know requires a lot of energy.
2) I do not think I am called to hospital chaplaincy. If you have been following previous posts, you'll remember that my original plan for CPE was to do it through the social service agencies of the Urban CPE Consortium. That kind of ministry is more up my ally. But, alas, a hospital is where I ended up.
3) I am a pretty private person and do not normally share personal things unless and until I have built a relationship with someone. That protectiveness is out the window when you're doing CPE. The four of us (three interns and supervisor) meet multiple times a week to talk. Reflect. Talk about how we're doing. How we're feeling. Sometimes we type out and analyze a conversation we have had with a patient (these are called Verbatims) and we discuss them in group. Though it is clear that if there is something we do not want to discuss, we can always say so, the expectation is that in most cases, we will talk and discuss.
4) We have to set goals. I've never really worked anywhere where goals were actually discussed, agreed upon, and then continually discussed to see how we are progressing towards them. Our formal goals are due next week and we also need to have some idea of what we will do to try to reach the goals.
5) One of my goals is going to be simply making it through the unit. That got a laugh from my entire group yesterday. Mary said that was too broad...but after discussing it, she said she would accept it as a goal, if I make it more specific and concrete. I don't really doubt that I will make it through the unit. I am fairly stubborn and usually finish what I start. However, sometimes I struggle because I am not a fan of this type of ministry and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. Of course, if I stay in seminary and continue in ELCA ordination, CPE will be required. Though sometimes I also question that path, I don't want to have to revisit CPE again. So, with about 85% certaintly, I will say I will finish the unit.
6) I often doubt my abilities and have really low self-confidence and self-esteem. I often doubt that I will be able to help anyone. I panic over not knowing how to extemporaneously pray with people. I fear making a person feel worse instead of better. I fear not knowing how to interact with patients/families in the moment.
I am trying to get better, especially with #6. On my first on-call, I was a nervous wreck all day. I think I probably had some people legitimately worried that I would make it through, though they continued to tell me I would. I'm pretty sure my supervisor expected at least one panicked phone call. But I never called her. Never even thought about it. I was terrified of the pager going off. When it did go off, my initial reaction was "Oh, shit!" (which, by the way, I am not the only one who has that reaction). But when I was actually with patients (or in the case of the deaths, families), I was completely composed. I prayed with people. I have no idea what I said. The words were not mine. But the people thanked me and it actually did seem to help. It was almost as if someone else were doing all of the action. Maybe it was. Maybe God took complete control of my body.
The next day at on-call report, I told about my evening. I was told later by someone that I was like a completely different person then than I had been the day before. He expected me to have fallen apart, and I read the report with confidence and it appeared that I had been confident through the on-call.
So maybe I am growing. However, none of this in any way means I am looking forward to the next on-call. I am sure I will be a nervous wreck again.
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