5 Down, 1 to Go!

So Friday was solo on-call #5 and next Sunday will be #6...which will be the last!!

Friday day was pretty quiet. Some pages I was able to refer to other chaplains. Got busier in the evening with basic visits. One death in the AM that I had been aware of as being a possibility.

Page at 1:00 for another family of a patient who was near death. They wanted a priest for last rites. I went to offer support and prayer, but since I couldn't do the last rites, they didn't really want me.

I am kinda fascinated (and yet, also frustrated and somewhat annoyed) by the fact that people get upset when there isn't a Catholic priest available at the hospital at any time (this was 1 AM). We do have priests who come at regular scheduled hours. But not one there 24/7. Rush is not a Catholic hospital.

Anyway. I am looking forward to March 15. I am counting down to March 15. Literally. I cross of each day when it's over. And in my planner, I have a countdown in the corner of each day. I am ready for CPE to end. I've actually been ready for it to end way before it ever started. I like my group, I like the other chaplains. I do not like being a hospital chaplain.

March 15 is the final day of CPE. We will graduate and then we will have "Play Day," though we have yet to decide what we're going to do.

2/3 Done!!! With On-Calls, that is!

Yesterday I had On-Call #4. It was a completely different experience than On-Call #3 from a little over a week ago. I think I was being punished for having the quiet one. ;-)

Four people died on my shift yesterday. Oh, wait. That would actually be five, but for the last one, the unit didn't call me until about four hours after the family left, and then only because they noticed they did not have the all-important release of remains form filled out. A form I would have gotten completed had they called me at 2 am instead of 7 am. Anyway.

At least the deaths happened consecutively instead of concurrently. One took about three hours. One took about two and one took about an hour. One didn't take much time at all because the family did not come to the hospital. All I had to do with it was call them and have them fill out the above-mentioned form over the phone.

I also kept getting weird pages yesterday. The page would read "Call holding - dial this number" and when I did, I got a recording of "Please hold while we assist other customers" the first time and the second time, the person who answered said "I'm sorry - the person you are holding for is not available." Odd.

It finally got quiet around 11:30 and I was hoping for an uneventful night.

I get a page at 12:50, about 20 minutes after I'd fallen asleep. She apologized for paging the wrong number.

1:35, after I'd been asleep again for about 10 minutes. A page with not enough numbers to be a phone extension, so I tried a bunch of different combinations, to no avail.

2:07, after I'd been asleep for about 10 minutes. Same as above, different number, was finally able to get a hold of someone. After talking to her, being transferred, being hung up on, and trying back, nurse finally left a message that a patient would like to see me. And yes, that would be now.

So I went and had an intense conversation with a patient for about an hour. At 2:30 in the morning. But he seemed genuinely thankful and helped by the visit.

Page was quiet until 6:51, when they were freaking out about the death that didn't have the form filled out. I told him a chaplain would take care of it and would bring the form over.

7:18 got a phone call from a patient who wanted a visit. Yes, now. Another challenging patient. I got to on-call report about three minutes late. At report, we went over the three reports from the weekend and I led morning prayer.

There were several other pages, referrals and a few other visits, but that's the gist of it.

I walked more than 6 miles.

We then did a verbatim and I left the hospital about 10:45. Came home, ate some lunch. Slept for about 3 1/2 hours.

Friday I'm on call again.

Ashing

Today, I spent the afternoon ashing people. I ashed doctors. I ashed patients. I ashed nurses. I ashed in patient rooms, hallways, in the chapel. I got ashed by another chaplain.

I'm guessing that most of you know what I'm talking about, and it's nothing evil or dirty. Today is Ash Wednesday. We had an Ash Wednesday service at Rush. After the service, all the chaplains got little containers of ashes to take to our units and other areas of the hospital to give ashes to whomever wanted them. I took mine up to my unit and also to Mike's unit because he was post-call today, so he had gone home early this morning. When I got back to the office, Karen asked if I would go back to the chapel and give out more ashes. She and Fern had been there, but about 5 minutes after they left, more people had come, wanting ashes. So I went and ashed some more people, including a child in a stroller.

I guess it's been a while since I've updated the blog. CPE is going along. Three weeks from tomorrow it is officially over. It is unofficially over three weeks from today. Our final day is "Play Day" where we get free food and get to go do something fun...thus, I don't count it as an actual CPE day ;)

I had my third on-call last Friday. The person who was supposed to do it was sick, so they needed someone to cover. Nick came up with the fantastic idea for me to see if I could do it. Then, I would have my time made up and would not have to come back after the unit was over. I had been scheduled on March 19, the Monday after the end of the unit, for on-call to make up the hours that I am in class at LSTC. I thought that was a good idea, so I asked and that's what I did. Everyone was very thankful, since I don't think anyone else wanted to take it. Turned out very well. The pager was very well behaved. I think I got less than 10 pages the entire 24 hours, some of them I was able to pass to other chaplains because they were there and the pages were for their units. I watched some TV and actually slept a decent amount of time. Not the best sleep, but it was sleep!

Classes here at LSTC are going ok. I like both of my in-class classes, Lutheran Confessional Heritage and Worship. I feel like I'm learning a lot. Online history is ok. Life and Letters of Paul....I think I could like the class more if I liked the professor. But at least I'm not in-class, so I only have to deal with him via email and online postings. :) I also feel like I am supposed to be utterly flabbergasted and surprised at what we're learning. And I'm not, really.

But anyway. That's it for now. Tomorrow I get to do Story Theology at CPE. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.

Spring Semester and On-Call #2

Yesterday was January 30. First day of the Spring Semester at LSTC. Because of CPE, I had to switch my classes around a bit. I did not take a J-Term and focused solely on CPE in January. This semester, I am taking two classroom classes, Lutheran Confessional Heritage and Worship. I am also taking two online classes, Church History II and Life and Letters of Paul. So I will be in class for 6 hours a week, 3 on Monday, 3 on Wednesday. So I am going to have to make up that time that I will miss in CPE. I have already made up some of it by participating in the Tower move and the Memorial service, so hopefully, I can make up all the rest by doing one extra oncall.

Online classes do not require being in class at any specific time. However, it appears that they are actually going to be more work than classes in a classroom. For both of my online classes, We have loads of reading each week. Then we are divided into groups and we each need to answer a specific question. Then we all have to respond to each other's answers. In Paul, we also have to do a weekly reflection and a weekly Greek translation (my favorite.......NOT). In history, we also have two tests, a research paper, and three (two??) 5 page reflections.

I feel that I am going to be really tired up until March 15.

Yesterday I also had my second 24-hour oncall at the hospital. Well, slightly shorter than 24, since I had class in the AM. Anyway. It was a pretty quiet oncall. Though I spent a lot of time with one particular family who had just had a 24 week baby. I baptized that baby last night, in her incubator with LOTS of her family. My first baptism! It went just fine and it was an honor to be there.

It was quiet the rest of the night and in the AM, I got a page for someone who wanted to see me before his procedure. Often people will just want the chaplain to come and pray before surgery. I walked into the guy's room and he looks at me and says "You're not a Catholic priest!!" I looked at him and said "No, I'm not." Well, he didn't want me. He wanted a Catholic priest. So I told him there would be one here later today and he said that he would wait for him. Ok.

Mike and I then had to do Verbatims today, which are written transcripts and analysis of a conversation we have had with a patient. Mike's birthday was today, so he, Nick and I ate lunch together before I went home. And promptly crashed for three hours.

While I know the next six weeks will fly by because I will be so busy, I also think they are going to be incredibly exhausting. Anyone want to send me on vacation to a nice relaxing beach in early April??? :-)

Delivering Bad News

So we did something fun today in CPE. At least I thought it was fun - "Delivering Bad News." Now, I get it...that does not sound like fun. But it is actually something that we, as chaplains at Rush, do to help medical students/residents. They are given a scenario about a patient who has died. It is their job to inform the family of this, and also to ask the family if they want an autopsy done. It is our job to pretend to be that family.

So we do this in pairs. Two chaplain interns, one med student. The med students do not know we are chaplains - they think we are just volunteers who came in to do this. So they come into the room and proceed to tell us that our loved one has died. We are to react in any way we want. In one scenario, I was basically silent. The next I was angry. In one, I tried to play someone who almost had a psychotic break with the news.

This is the first time most (if not all) of these med students have ever had to do this. We, as chaplains, are at every death at the hospital and have seen the vast array of reactions that people can have upon hearing the news.

After about 10 minutes, we called the scene off and told the med students who we really were. We had an evaluation sheet to fill out and we just spent a few minutes talking to them about what was good, what could be improved upon, etc.

I believe another "Delivering Bad News" is scheduled for February 15. I'm kind of excited. :-)

Oh, and at least one med student told us that if the chaplaincy thing doesn't work out, we could be actors instead. ;-)

First Big Snow in Chicago

Today it snowed in Chicago. Probably 6+ inches. It started about 11 and ended about 6. I, of course, was at the hospital for CPE today. Normally I leave there at 5:00 and get back to campus by 5:30. Today I left at 3:30. And got to campus at 5:30.

This is not the first snow of the year. About a week ago, it also snowed about an inch. Maybe 2. It took me about 50 minutes to get to campus.

I came to Chicago with the idea that well, Chicago knows about snow. They know how to get rid of it quickly. They know how to drive in it.

Yeah....no....that idea has not played out in real experience. Last week, with the inch of snow, people were driving 10 on the interstate. I am afraid of driving in snow and I thought that was ridiculous.

Today, we were driving about 2.5 miles per hour. On the interstate. I saw absolutely no snowplows whatsoever. Unless you count the two that were sitting on an overpass. Which I don't. Because they were....sitting.

Chicago drivers appear to be nosmarter or more competent in driving in snow than the typical Louisvillian.

At least in Louisville, there are an abundance of snowplows, trucks with plows, etc. They brine the road before the nasty comes. They dump salt. Here, I have noticed salt in some places, sidewalks, etc. Mostly in giant piles that are just as slippery as snow would be.

I could accept this driving in the snow scenario if I were speaking of side streets and less traveled routes in the Chicagoland area. But I drive 9.6 miles to Rush. At least 7 of those are interstate. And not just one interstate. No, I'm talking about being on three different interstates, plus Lake Shore Drive (a very busy highway). No sign of snowplows anywhere.

And another thing. I understand that you cannot see the lines on the road. But there was a point today where there were eight lanes of traffic. I'm pretty sure that the road only actually has four and an exit. Two lanes suddenly turned into one. Then one suddenly turned into two. What the heck?!?!?!

Reflections on My First Two Weeks at Rush

Challenge. Frustration. Learning. Friends. Reflection. Analysis. Fear. Anxiety. Tears. Laughs. Fatigue. Goals. Surprise.

Those are just a few of the words I would use to describe my first two weeks of my 11-week stint as a hospital chaplain. I really like everyone I have met there. The RHHV (Religion, Health and Human Values) department is made up of a wonderful group of staff, residents, interns, externs and one volunteer (who had previously been an intern).

My cohort/peer group of interns is great. Mike, Nick and I seem to work well together and get along just fine. Mary is our supervisor and she has been great as well.

However, this experience has not come without its challenges for me. Most of this is not going to be news to you, but just to highlight some aspects:

1) I am a very introverted person. It is not really in my nature to just walk up to someone and start talking to them. We are required to do this, pretty much on a daily basis when we are on our units. This is affectionately known as "Cold Calling" We know nothing about a patient (well, I try to at least look up their name and gender), and we go in their room to talk to them. This is a challenge for me because, even when the visits go really well, it is hard to make that first step and conversing with someone I do not know requires a lot of energy.

2) I do not think I am called to hospital chaplaincy. If you have been following previous posts, you'll remember that my original plan for CPE was to do it through the social service agencies of the Urban CPE Consortium. That kind of ministry is more up my ally. But, alas, a hospital is where I ended up.

3) I am a pretty private person and do not normally share personal things unless and until I have built a relationship with someone. That protectiveness is out the window when you're doing CPE. The four of us (three interns and supervisor) meet multiple times a week to talk. Reflect. Talk about how we're doing. How we're feeling. Sometimes we type out and analyze a conversation we have had with a patient (these are called Verbatims) and we discuss them in group. Though it is clear that if there is something we do not want to discuss, we can always say so, the expectation is that in most cases, we will talk and discuss.

4) We have to set goals. I've never really worked anywhere where goals were actually discussed, agreed upon, and then continually discussed to see how we are progressing towards them. Our formal goals are due next week and we also need to have some idea of what we will do to try to reach the goals.

5) One of my goals is going to be simply making it through the unit. That got a laugh from my entire group yesterday. Mary said that was too broad...but after discussing it, she said she would accept it as a goal, if I make it more specific and concrete. I don't really doubt that I will make it through the unit. I am fairly stubborn and usually finish what I start. However, sometimes I struggle because I am not a fan of this type of ministry and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. Of course, if I stay in seminary and continue in ELCA ordination, CPE will be required. Though sometimes I also question that path, I don't want to have to revisit CPE again. So, with about 85% certaintly, I will say I will finish the unit.

6) I often doubt my abilities and have really low self-confidence and self-esteem. I often doubt that I will be able to help anyone. I panic over not knowing how to extemporaneously pray with people. I fear making a person feel worse instead of better. I fear not knowing how to interact with patients/families in the moment.

I am trying to get better, especially with #6. On my first on-call, I was a nervous wreck all day. I think I probably had some people legitimately worried that I would make it through, though they continued to tell me I would. I'm pretty sure my supervisor expected at least one panicked phone call. But I never called her. Never even thought about it. I was terrified of the pager going off. When it did go off, my initial reaction was "Oh, shit!" (which, by the way, I am not the only one who has that reaction). But when I was actually with patients (or in the case of the deaths, families), I was completely composed. I prayed with people. I have no idea what I said. The words were not mine. But the people thanked me and it actually did seem to help. It was almost as if someone else were doing all of the action. Maybe it was. Maybe God took complete control of my body.

The next day at on-call report, I told about my evening. I was told later by someone that I was like a completely different person then than I had been the day before. He expected me to have fallen apart, and I read the report with confidence and it appeared that I had been confident through the on-call.

So maybe I am growing. However, none of this in any way means I am looking forward to the next on-call. I am sure I will be a nervous wreck again.