Seminary Struggles

So, I think it's about time I came out. No - not about THAT! Most people know about that. And if not, well.....umm....I can only be in this ELCA candidacy process because of the changes that were made at the 2009 ChurchWide Assembly.

That coming out has been a life-changing and life-affirming decision. I hope that this coming out will be as beneficial.

I need to come out that I am struggling a lot with my discernment towards ordained ministry. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I struggled a lot with CPE and at one point, I did allude to the fact that I questioned if I should be in seminary. But I'm done with allusions. I'll just say it: I don't know if I should remain in seminary and the process toward ordained ministry.

I realize this may be a shock to you. To the general public, I have kept this pretty much a secret because I thought maybe I was going through a phase, or I was just really stressed with CPE, or that I just needed more time to think about it. But now it's time to let the cat out of the bag because I need prayers to help me. I pray often about this subject, but ordained ministry is not just about me - it is about the whole community of faith. It is not just a decision I make on my own. I make it in community with belief that God is working through us all.

The first time I questioned this call after coming to Chicago was in the beginning months of last semester. I was struggling a lot with a few classes, Greek in particular, and I just really didn't want to be back in academia. This was an unusual experience for me because in the past, I have really enjoyed being in school. I got over that when I realized that I would pass all of my classes (even Greek!) and I wrote a few papers where I really got into the topic.

I questioned the call when I was having difficulties finding a CPE site. After one of my interviews, I immediately sent Rebecca a text that said "After that interview, I should just drop out now." It was a horrible interview, I felt horrible and figured that if I was going to have to deal with that, I was not going to survive. About a week later is when I had my wonderful CPE interview at Rush. I felt immediately connected and at ease with Mary, who was to become my supervisor.

CPE started and I was excited until about day 2 when I became completely terrified. I don't like hospitals and was scared of being a pastoral caregiver, as I had really never done that before. And you should have seen me on my first solo on-call. In my final evaluation, Mary wrote that she was not sure I would make it though. I didn't think I would, either. Clearly I did, but it was not a fun experience.

One of my written out, official CPE goals was simply making it through the unit. Another official goal was discerning my call to ministry. Early on, we had to draw pictures of where we were and where we hoped to be after the unit. One of my 'now' pictures was me on the ELCA ordination ladder, about three steps up. The 'after' picture had two - one of me farther up the ladder, one with me completely off of it. I didn't know what direction I was going. And clearly I have not succeeded in reaching that goal yet, as I am still undecided about what to do.

I grew so much in CPE. My group was full of grace and support and this very issue was the topic of many a group and individual session. Their input ranged from one day, them all 'ganging up' on me to stay in to another day, it being acknowledged that my reasons for wanting to quit were fully legitimate, understandable and reasonable.

One of those reasons is that I have heard that people in my position can expect to wait at least 3 years to receive a first call. I understand that people not in my position sometimes wait that long as well. There are bishops who will not even look at our paperwork. That action alone takes a whole bunch of churches out of the realm of possibility. I know that changes can only occur if people are willing and able to stand up to them and/or wait around until something happens. But I am not sure if I am one of those people for many reasons.

I really don't have the right personality to be in people's faces, trying to force them to do something different. Confrontation has never been my strong suit

Should I really wait that long to find a ministry? I will be nearly 35 years old when I graduate. While I realize this is not old, it is older than a lot of my classmates, and a 3+ year wait means I could be in my 40s before receiving a first call. Are there other ways I could be of service now? I learned a whole lot in CPE. One of those things was that I really do have passions for helping people. But maybe those people are not in the hospital or in a church. Maybe they are out there in society, struggling with things that they would never talk about to a pastor.

I am going to come out again, on another topic. In CPE, I shared an experience in my life that happened over and over in different ways. I worked in a humane society for seven years, and for about four of those years, I was a participant in the euthanasia aspect of shelter life. While we were not a huge shelter and did not euthanize dozens of animals every day like some do, we had our fair share. I learned in sharing this experience that this had profound effects on me: socially, emotionally and spiritually, and I have never really talked about it before. It occurred to me that I am probably not the only one who has been affected in these ways and I've been thinking that maybe I could turn this into a ministry - ministering to people who have to deal with this horrible reality. I know that this is an area that a lot of people will not talk about to 'outsiders.' But I have shared in that experience and thus, people may be willing to let me into this area of their lives. I am not exactly sure how that would play out yet, but I am excited about the possibilities.

I have not come to this point of considering leaving seminary lightly. I discussed it all the time at CPE. I've talked to pastors and teachers. I've talked to friends and family. And now I need the prayers of everyone who is supporting me in this journey. I am not alone on this journey and I hope that you are willing to take these difficult steps with me.