Videotaping

There now exists a video of me reading the gospel and presiding at Eucharist.  No, I'm not just really self-centered and thought it would be fun.  Quite the contrary.  It was a required assignment for Worship class.  We got into groups and had to prepare a worship service.  Each person was videotaped twice - once as presiding minister, once as assisting minister.  We had to chant the Dialogue and the Proper Preface.

I hate my recorded voice.  If I actually sound like that, I wonder why anyone ever puts up with listening to me.  I'm not fond of having my picture taken...thus videotaping is even worse.  I have only sung a solo once.  It was for an elementary school singing contest.  A bunch of other students sang solos and there was also a contest for band members.  A bunch of us went.  A I was the highest score you could get.  Every single person who went that day, singing or playing an instrument got a I.  Except for me.  That kind of ruined me on the whole singing by myself thing (well, actually singing in public in general).

Thus, I was really not looking forward to being videotaped chanting prayers.  Suprisingly, though, two weeks ago when we had a singing workshop in class, the leader pointed to me and I immediately sung without hesitation.

So then we had to do this videotaping.  We spent about an hour and a half last Friday.  There were four of us in my group and our professor was there.  He provided some piano music at certain points in the service.  The tech guy came and set up the camera.  I was the last one to be Presiding Minister.  I read the gospel.  I sang the Dialogue and other parts of the communion liturgy.  We did the post-communion prayer and sending.

I thought we would be set free.

No such luck.  I should have known better.  We were scheduled for three hours and the taping took less than two.  After we were done recording, our professor said "Ok.  Let's take a 10 minute break and meet up in room 207."

Crap.  We're gonna watch them.

We went up to the classroom, and sure enough, the projection screen was down and the tech guy was setting up the computer.  We watched the videos.  Watched mine last.

I was completely surprised.  I did not hate it!  I should have projected more (imagine that, me needing to project??), but I could hear myself.  And my singing, though definitely not show-quality, didn't suck.  We talked about it for about 10 minutes.  A comment made by a classmate was that during the singing, even though I didn't quite have the tune all the time, I kept going and no one would have known any different.  I.e. I didn't pause, laugh, or try to fix it, I just went with it.

A comment from my professor was about my reading of the gospel.  He said that when he'd been listening, he'd been thinking "this is going really well - why is that?"  He said he thought about it and it was because there is something about my 'gentle demeanor' that "makes us feel comfortable and trusting in your reading."  On the grade sheet, he wrote that I "have a fine, warm presence."

I think I am hearing these types of comments enough (trusting, calm, warm - I've heard them in previous jobs and in CPE) that I am actually starting to believe that that may be one of my finest gifts.

Doesn't mean I want to be videotaped again anytime soon, though.

Seminary Struggles

So, I think it's about time I came out. No - not about THAT! Most people know about that. And if not, well.....umm....I can only be in this ELCA candidacy process because of the changes that were made at the 2009 ChurchWide Assembly.

That coming out has been a life-changing and life-affirming decision. I hope that this coming out will be as beneficial.

I need to come out that I am struggling a lot with my discernment towards ordained ministry. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I struggled a lot with CPE and at one point, I did allude to the fact that I questioned if I should be in seminary. But I'm done with allusions. I'll just say it: I don't know if I should remain in seminary and the process toward ordained ministry.

I realize this may be a shock to you. To the general public, I have kept this pretty much a secret because I thought maybe I was going through a phase, or I was just really stressed with CPE, or that I just needed more time to think about it. But now it's time to let the cat out of the bag because I need prayers to help me. I pray often about this subject, but ordained ministry is not just about me - it is about the whole community of faith. It is not just a decision I make on my own. I make it in community with belief that God is working through us all.

The first time I questioned this call after coming to Chicago was in the beginning months of last semester. I was struggling a lot with a few classes, Greek in particular, and I just really didn't want to be back in academia. This was an unusual experience for me because in the past, I have really enjoyed being in school. I got over that when I realized that I would pass all of my classes (even Greek!) and I wrote a few papers where I really got into the topic.

I questioned the call when I was having difficulties finding a CPE site. After one of my interviews, I immediately sent Rebecca a text that said "After that interview, I should just drop out now." It was a horrible interview, I felt horrible and figured that if I was going to have to deal with that, I was not going to survive. About a week later is when I had my wonderful CPE interview at Rush. I felt immediately connected and at ease with Mary, who was to become my supervisor.

CPE started and I was excited until about day 2 when I became completely terrified. I don't like hospitals and was scared of being a pastoral caregiver, as I had really never done that before. And you should have seen me on my first solo on-call. In my final evaluation, Mary wrote that she was not sure I would make it though. I didn't think I would, either. Clearly I did, but it was not a fun experience.

One of my written out, official CPE goals was simply making it through the unit. Another official goal was discerning my call to ministry. Early on, we had to draw pictures of where we were and where we hoped to be after the unit. One of my 'now' pictures was me on the ELCA ordination ladder, about three steps up. The 'after' picture had two - one of me farther up the ladder, one with me completely off of it. I didn't know what direction I was going. And clearly I have not succeeded in reaching that goal yet, as I am still undecided about what to do.

I grew so much in CPE. My group was full of grace and support and this very issue was the topic of many a group and individual session. Their input ranged from one day, them all 'ganging up' on me to stay in to another day, it being acknowledged that my reasons for wanting to quit were fully legitimate, understandable and reasonable.

One of those reasons is that I have heard that people in my position can expect to wait at least 3 years to receive a first call. I understand that people not in my position sometimes wait that long as well. There are bishops who will not even look at our paperwork. That action alone takes a whole bunch of churches out of the realm of possibility. I know that changes can only occur if people are willing and able to stand up to them and/or wait around until something happens. But I am not sure if I am one of those people for many reasons.

I really don't have the right personality to be in people's faces, trying to force them to do something different. Confrontation has never been my strong suit

Should I really wait that long to find a ministry? I will be nearly 35 years old when I graduate. While I realize this is not old, it is older than a lot of my classmates, and a 3+ year wait means I could be in my 40s before receiving a first call. Are there other ways I could be of service now? I learned a whole lot in CPE. One of those things was that I really do have passions for helping people. But maybe those people are not in the hospital or in a church. Maybe they are out there in society, struggling with things that they would never talk about to a pastor.

I am going to come out again, on another topic. In CPE, I shared an experience in my life that happened over and over in different ways. I worked in a humane society for seven years, and for about four of those years, I was a participant in the euthanasia aspect of shelter life. While we were not a huge shelter and did not euthanize dozens of animals every day like some do, we had our fair share. I learned in sharing this experience that this had profound effects on me: socially, emotionally and spiritually, and I have never really talked about it before. It occurred to me that I am probably not the only one who has been affected in these ways and I've been thinking that maybe I could turn this into a ministry - ministering to people who have to deal with this horrible reality. I know that this is an area that a lot of people will not talk about to 'outsiders.' But I have shared in that experience and thus, people may be willing to let me into this area of their lives. I am not exactly sure how that would play out yet, but I am excited about the possibilities.

I have not come to this point of considering leaving seminary lightly. I discussed it all the time at CPE. I've talked to pastors and teachers. I've talked to friends and family. And now I need the prayers of everyone who is supporting me in this journey. I am not alone on this journey and I hope that you are willing to take these difficult steps with me.

St. Patrick's Day!

Yes. They really do dye the river green. It turns into a neon green. Potentially radioactive? Let's hope not!

As you've probably guessed by now, I went downtown for St. Patrick's Day. Rebecca came to visit (to celebrate no more CPE for me!!!). We decided to go downtown on Saturday. When walking to the Metra station, we found a few of my classmates and ended up walking around with them for a while. They dyed the river at 10am.

How do they do it? Well, there's a speed boat (not the boat in the pic) and a guy sits on the back of it with a grass-spreader type thing and dumps red powder into the river. When it hits the water, the water turns bright yellow. And then it turns neon green. Then the boat, and another behind it, drive around in the neon water to spread it out until it's all neon. Very weird. Yet very cool. I think I heard someone say they've been doing this for around 50 years.

Then we walked to the parade, stopping for Subway lunch on the way. The longest parade ever. We stayed for an hour and a half and still didn't see it all. And couldn't see much anyway because of all the people.

One of my CPE friends was also going to the parade and Rebecca wanted to meet him. I texted him before the parade to see where we should meet and he told me he was going to be in the parade! I didn't see him, but he was on a float. After the parade, he sent a text that he was at a friend's house downtown so we walked there and met up with them. The friend lives on the 22nd floor...REALLY nice downtown views! I'm sure that condo costs more than my house. Although I'd rather have the yard :)

Anyway, we chatted with them for a while and they decided to go out, so we went out with them for a few hours and had a great time.

Sunday, Rebecca and I went to a UCC church where we know the pastor (I needed to visit a non-Lutheran church for a worship paper). We then went back downtown and walked around the parks and just had a really good, leisurely day. Monday I had class and then we walked to the lake. Tuesday we went back to the lake before she went home.

All in all, St. Patrick's Day in Chicago was lots of fun!

Play Day!!

Today was an awesome day! The morning started at 8:30 with Graduation
Breakfast. There is a reception-hall type room at Rush where it was held. Eggs,
sausage, bacon, tater tots, fruits and pastries. Yummy!

After eating, at about 9:00, Mary opened it up for anyone to say anything
about us or us about them. Many of the staff and residents spoke about us,
individually and as a group. It was great to hear feedback from them. A couple
of the comments were about the fact that we will be forever known as the "Tower
Move Interns." Rush moved into the new tower four days after we started. The
department head told us that ususally, interns are broken in gradually, over
about two weeks. But that we had three days and then a new hospital! One of the
residents said something about normally, you're thrown into the deep end, but we
were taken to the middle of Lake Michigan and left there! Another staff member
said that this unit flew by - and that meant that we had fit into the fabric of
the department very well.

Mary then had our certificates to give us and each one of us came up and
she said a few words and gave us the certificate. We then got in a tiny circle
and everyone gatherered around us and put hands on us, and said prayers.
Afterwards, we gave hugs, said our goodbyes and had our picture taken.

We were to meet at the Kidston elevators at 10:30. I went to get my parking
stamped at Volunteer Services. The volunteer made me show my badge, then told me
I needed to be wearing it if I was in the hospital. This is only the second time
I've been 'carded' and I've never been yelled at for it! Oh, well.

Went back to the office and turned in my pager, lab coat, booklet and
nametag. We could keep our nametag if we want to be on the on-call list for if
people are sick. Yeah......don't think so! Eleanor commented "I don't think Jen
wants to be on the on-call list...."

We then walked to the Pink Line and got a train ticket. We took it to the
Sears Tower. Oops. It's now actually the Willis Tower. Whatever. Mary bought our
tickets to go up. We went up, walked around, took some pictures. We went out on
the ledges and it was awesome! Had people take our pictures. The picture above
is of our feet on the ledge. We also had the professionals take a picture and
Mary bought one. The department has pictures in the hallway of all of the CPE
groups since around 1980. So the one she bought will be the one on the wall.
We're the first ones to have it taken there!! Awesome views, awesome
experience.

We then got back on the train and went to lunch at Ed Debevic's, a
50's-style diner where the waitresses are rude (they're supposed to be). But the
food was really good. And I have leftovers :) We stayed there, talked and ate.
Had a great time.

We then walked back to the train station and said goodbye to Mike, as he
was going to go home from there. Mary, Nick and I got on the train and went back
to Rush. Nick and I said goodbye to Mary then walked to the parking garage,
where we said goodbye. Though we are planning to meet at the St. Patrick's Day
parade on Saturday and I'm going to try to come back to Rush sometime next unit
and have lunch with him. He is doing another unit starting on Tuesday.

Although I am not going to miss CPE, I am really going to miss these three
people.

Final Evaluations

Tuesday, March 13 was Final Evaluation Day. We had to complete a self-evaluation. The document had the specific CPE goals. After each one, there were four levels, and we were to check one of them, where we thought we were. We then had some questions to answer to elaborate on why we checked what we checked. The original document was 4 pages long. My completed one, after nearly 3 hours at Regenstein, ended up being 9. In small font, single spaced.

So we got to the office on Wednesday and printed our evaluations and made copies for everyone. We then went to Bishop Anderson House, which is a department at Rush in the building behind where the RHHV department is. Mary brought us some fruit, scones, cinammon rolls and orange juice for breakfast.

As the coffee was being made, Mary asked us who wanted to go first. I said "I call last place!" So I went last.

The three of us each spent about an hour reading our evaluation. We then had time for feedback from each other over what we had written, and Mary gave feedback and asked some questions. We took a short break between each one and we were done by about 12:30.

So then we went to lunch. We walked down Taylor Street and found Hawkeye's Bar & Grill. The others had made some other suggestions, but since I'm picky, I said no to all of them. :) But the food was GOOD! I still have some leftovers, actually. It was a really good lunch, just the four of us talking and eating.

We got back to Rush at a little after 2:00 and went home.

Wednesday afternoon, we had Cirriculum Evaluation, where we met with Joann, one of the other CPE advisors. We had a sheet to fill out that listed all of the activities we had done and we rated them and made comments. We took about an hour discussing our unit, what had been good, what we learned, what could be changed. We also had a conversation with her about where we should eat for Play Day.....since Jen is picky. She called me an 'anomoly' when I told her I wouldn't eat tomatoes or cucumbers but that I'd wanted to go skydiving for Play Day (I was informed that was not in the budget)

All in all, evaluations were good.

I am done with those stress-inducing, anxiety-ridden things called on-calls. Done, I say, DONE!!!

Today's title is also the Facebook status I posted at about 9:30 this morning. It, of course, means that I have completed all of my required on-calls at the hospital! Much thanks to Abbas, who had strep throat in mid-February and to Nick, who suggested I take that oncall so that I didn't have to come back next Monday and do one.

Yesterday's oncall was a lovely farewell gift. I was there for 24 hours. I received two phone calls and three pages. My oncall report had I believe six lines in it and three of those were referred to other people. I had one death and one code blue.

I actually did a lot of reading for seminary classes while I was oncall yesterday.

It was also kind of my intent to work on my CPE Final Evaluation while I was oncall. I scrapped that idea, though, when I realized that oncalls produce too much anxiety in me for me to be able to write much of anything. So I read instead and decided to finish my evaluation today.

I left the hospital at about 9:00 this morning, after oncall report. I came home and did laundry because we have to return our lab coats clean and washed. I then ate lunch and then took about a 3 1/2 hour nap. Even though I didn't have many calls last night, one of them was at 3am and I never get much sleep, or at least good sleep, at the hospital.

After my nap, I figured I should go be productive. So I went to the library at the University of Chicago, walked completely around three floors of the bookstacks before finally finding an empty study carrel. I stayed there for over 2.5 hours writing my evaluation. A few weeks ago, when I scanned the document, I didn't think it would be too difficult or too much to worry about. Last week when I actually read it, and talked to others who have been interns, I realized it was going to be more time consuming and more work than I thought it was.

So we had nothing scheduled on Thursday or Friday. I just couldn't get motivated to write more than a few sentences here and there. And then Friday afternoon was spent dealing with a POA issue on my floor. So not much got done.

But now it's done. I'll reread it again, and maybe make some final edits before bedtime, but it's done. It's 9 pages, in 11 pt single spaced Times New Roman. I had no idea I had that much to say about CPE.

5 Down, 1 to Go!

So Friday was solo on-call #5 and next Sunday will be #6...which will be the last!!

Friday day was pretty quiet. Some pages I was able to refer to other chaplains. Got busier in the evening with basic visits. One death in the AM that I had been aware of as being a possibility.

Page at 1:00 for another family of a patient who was near death. They wanted a priest for last rites. I went to offer support and prayer, but since I couldn't do the last rites, they didn't really want me.

I am kinda fascinated (and yet, also frustrated and somewhat annoyed) by the fact that people get upset when there isn't a Catholic priest available at the hospital at any time (this was 1 AM). We do have priests who come at regular scheduled hours. But not one there 24/7. Rush is not a Catholic hospital.

Anyway. I am looking forward to March 15. I am counting down to March 15. Literally. I cross of each day when it's over. And in my planner, I have a countdown in the corner of each day. I am ready for CPE to end. I've actually been ready for it to end way before it ever started. I like my group, I like the other chaplains. I do not like being a hospital chaplain.

March 15 is the final day of CPE. We will graduate and then we will have "Play Day," though we have yet to decide what we're going to do.

2/3 Done!!! With On-Calls, that is!

Yesterday I had On-Call #4. It was a completely different experience than On-Call #3 from a little over a week ago. I think I was being punished for having the quiet one. ;-)

Four people died on my shift yesterday. Oh, wait. That would actually be five, but for the last one, the unit didn't call me until about four hours after the family left, and then only because they noticed they did not have the all-important release of remains form filled out. A form I would have gotten completed had they called me at 2 am instead of 7 am. Anyway.

At least the deaths happened consecutively instead of concurrently. One took about three hours. One took about two and one took about an hour. One didn't take much time at all because the family did not come to the hospital. All I had to do with it was call them and have them fill out the above-mentioned form over the phone.

I also kept getting weird pages yesterday. The page would read "Call holding - dial this number" and when I did, I got a recording of "Please hold while we assist other customers" the first time and the second time, the person who answered said "I'm sorry - the person you are holding for is not available." Odd.

It finally got quiet around 11:30 and I was hoping for an uneventful night.

I get a page at 12:50, about 20 minutes after I'd fallen asleep. She apologized for paging the wrong number.

1:35, after I'd been asleep again for about 10 minutes. A page with not enough numbers to be a phone extension, so I tried a bunch of different combinations, to no avail.

2:07, after I'd been asleep for about 10 minutes. Same as above, different number, was finally able to get a hold of someone. After talking to her, being transferred, being hung up on, and trying back, nurse finally left a message that a patient would like to see me. And yes, that would be now.

So I went and had an intense conversation with a patient for about an hour. At 2:30 in the morning. But he seemed genuinely thankful and helped by the visit.

Page was quiet until 6:51, when they were freaking out about the death that didn't have the form filled out. I told him a chaplain would take care of it and would bring the form over.

7:18 got a phone call from a patient who wanted a visit. Yes, now. Another challenging patient. I got to on-call report about three minutes late. At report, we went over the three reports from the weekend and I led morning prayer.

There were several other pages, referrals and a few other visits, but that's the gist of it.

I walked more than 6 miles.

We then did a verbatim and I left the hospital about 10:45. Came home, ate some lunch. Slept for about 3 1/2 hours.

Friday I'm on call again.

Ashing

Today, I spent the afternoon ashing people. I ashed doctors. I ashed patients. I ashed nurses. I ashed in patient rooms, hallways, in the chapel. I got ashed by another chaplain.

I'm guessing that most of you know what I'm talking about, and it's nothing evil or dirty. Today is Ash Wednesday. We had an Ash Wednesday service at Rush. After the service, all the chaplains got little containers of ashes to take to our units and other areas of the hospital to give ashes to whomever wanted them. I took mine up to my unit and also to Mike's unit because he was post-call today, so he had gone home early this morning. When I got back to the office, Karen asked if I would go back to the chapel and give out more ashes. She and Fern had been there, but about 5 minutes after they left, more people had come, wanting ashes. So I went and ashed some more people, including a child in a stroller.

I guess it's been a while since I've updated the blog. CPE is going along. Three weeks from tomorrow it is officially over. It is unofficially over three weeks from today. Our final day is "Play Day" where we get free food and get to go do something fun...thus, I don't count it as an actual CPE day ;)

I had my third on-call last Friday. The person who was supposed to do it was sick, so they needed someone to cover. Nick came up with the fantastic idea for me to see if I could do it. Then, I would have my time made up and would not have to come back after the unit was over. I had been scheduled on March 19, the Monday after the end of the unit, for on-call to make up the hours that I am in class at LSTC. I thought that was a good idea, so I asked and that's what I did. Everyone was very thankful, since I don't think anyone else wanted to take it. Turned out very well. The pager was very well behaved. I think I got less than 10 pages the entire 24 hours, some of them I was able to pass to other chaplains because they were there and the pages were for their units. I watched some TV and actually slept a decent amount of time. Not the best sleep, but it was sleep!

Classes here at LSTC are going ok. I like both of my in-class classes, Lutheran Confessional Heritage and Worship. I feel like I'm learning a lot. Online history is ok. Life and Letters of Paul....I think I could like the class more if I liked the professor. But at least I'm not in-class, so I only have to deal with him via email and online postings. :) I also feel like I am supposed to be utterly flabbergasted and surprised at what we're learning. And I'm not, really.

But anyway. That's it for now. Tomorrow I get to do Story Theology at CPE. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.

Spring Semester and On-Call #2

Yesterday was January 30. First day of the Spring Semester at LSTC. Because of CPE, I had to switch my classes around a bit. I did not take a J-Term and focused solely on CPE in January. This semester, I am taking two classroom classes, Lutheran Confessional Heritage and Worship. I am also taking two online classes, Church History II and Life and Letters of Paul. So I will be in class for 6 hours a week, 3 on Monday, 3 on Wednesday. So I am going to have to make up that time that I will miss in CPE. I have already made up some of it by participating in the Tower move and the Memorial service, so hopefully, I can make up all the rest by doing one extra oncall.

Online classes do not require being in class at any specific time. However, it appears that they are actually going to be more work than classes in a classroom. For both of my online classes, We have loads of reading each week. Then we are divided into groups and we each need to answer a specific question. Then we all have to respond to each other's answers. In Paul, we also have to do a weekly reflection and a weekly Greek translation (my favorite.......NOT). In history, we also have two tests, a research paper, and three (two??) 5 page reflections.

I feel that I am going to be really tired up until March 15.

Yesterday I also had my second 24-hour oncall at the hospital. Well, slightly shorter than 24, since I had class in the AM. Anyway. It was a pretty quiet oncall. Though I spent a lot of time with one particular family who had just had a 24 week baby. I baptized that baby last night, in her incubator with LOTS of her family. My first baptism! It went just fine and it was an honor to be there.

It was quiet the rest of the night and in the AM, I got a page for someone who wanted to see me before his procedure. Often people will just want the chaplain to come and pray before surgery. I walked into the guy's room and he looks at me and says "You're not a Catholic priest!!" I looked at him and said "No, I'm not." Well, he didn't want me. He wanted a Catholic priest. So I told him there would be one here later today and he said that he would wait for him. Ok.

Mike and I then had to do Verbatims today, which are written transcripts and analysis of a conversation we have had with a patient. Mike's birthday was today, so he, Nick and I ate lunch together before I went home. And promptly crashed for three hours.

While I know the next six weeks will fly by because I will be so busy, I also think they are going to be incredibly exhausting. Anyone want to send me on vacation to a nice relaxing beach in early April??? :-)

Delivering Bad News

So we did something fun today in CPE. At least I thought it was fun - "Delivering Bad News." Now, I get it...that does not sound like fun. But it is actually something that we, as chaplains at Rush, do to help medical students/residents. They are given a scenario about a patient who has died. It is their job to inform the family of this, and also to ask the family if they want an autopsy done. It is our job to pretend to be that family.

So we do this in pairs. Two chaplain interns, one med student. The med students do not know we are chaplains - they think we are just volunteers who came in to do this. So they come into the room and proceed to tell us that our loved one has died. We are to react in any way we want. In one scenario, I was basically silent. The next I was angry. In one, I tried to play someone who almost had a psychotic break with the news.

This is the first time most (if not all) of these med students have ever had to do this. We, as chaplains, are at every death at the hospital and have seen the vast array of reactions that people can have upon hearing the news.

After about 10 minutes, we called the scene off and told the med students who we really were. We had an evaluation sheet to fill out and we just spent a few minutes talking to them about what was good, what could be improved upon, etc.

I believe another "Delivering Bad News" is scheduled for February 15. I'm kind of excited. :-)

Oh, and at least one med student told us that if the chaplaincy thing doesn't work out, we could be actors instead. ;-)

First Big Snow in Chicago

Today it snowed in Chicago. Probably 6+ inches. It started about 11 and ended about 6. I, of course, was at the hospital for CPE today. Normally I leave there at 5:00 and get back to campus by 5:30. Today I left at 3:30. And got to campus at 5:30.

This is not the first snow of the year. About a week ago, it also snowed about an inch. Maybe 2. It took me about 50 minutes to get to campus.

I came to Chicago with the idea that well, Chicago knows about snow. They know how to get rid of it quickly. They know how to drive in it.

Yeah....no....that idea has not played out in real experience. Last week, with the inch of snow, people were driving 10 on the interstate. I am afraid of driving in snow and I thought that was ridiculous.

Today, we were driving about 2.5 miles per hour. On the interstate. I saw absolutely no snowplows whatsoever. Unless you count the two that were sitting on an overpass. Which I don't. Because they were....sitting.

Chicago drivers appear to be nosmarter or more competent in driving in snow than the typical Louisvillian.

At least in Louisville, there are an abundance of snowplows, trucks with plows, etc. They brine the road before the nasty comes. They dump salt. Here, I have noticed salt in some places, sidewalks, etc. Mostly in giant piles that are just as slippery as snow would be.

I could accept this driving in the snow scenario if I were speaking of side streets and less traveled routes in the Chicagoland area. But I drive 9.6 miles to Rush. At least 7 of those are interstate. And not just one interstate. No, I'm talking about being on three different interstates, plus Lake Shore Drive (a very busy highway). No sign of snowplows anywhere.

And another thing. I understand that you cannot see the lines on the road. But there was a point today where there were eight lanes of traffic. I'm pretty sure that the road only actually has four and an exit. Two lanes suddenly turned into one. Then one suddenly turned into two. What the heck?!?!?!

Reflections on My First Two Weeks at Rush

Challenge. Frustration. Learning. Friends. Reflection. Analysis. Fear. Anxiety. Tears. Laughs. Fatigue. Goals. Surprise.

Those are just a few of the words I would use to describe my first two weeks of my 11-week stint as a hospital chaplain. I really like everyone I have met there. The RHHV (Religion, Health and Human Values) department is made up of a wonderful group of staff, residents, interns, externs and one volunteer (who had previously been an intern).

My cohort/peer group of interns is great. Mike, Nick and I seem to work well together and get along just fine. Mary is our supervisor and she has been great as well.

However, this experience has not come without its challenges for me. Most of this is not going to be news to you, but just to highlight some aspects:

1) I am a very introverted person. It is not really in my nature to just walk up to someone and start talking to them. We are required to do this, pretty much on a daily basis when we are on our units. This is affectionately known as "Cold Calling" We know nothing about a patient (well, I try to at least look up their name and gender), and we go in their room to talk to them. This is a challenge for me because, even when the visits go really well, it is hard to make that first step and conversing with someone I do not know requires a lot of energy.

2) I do not think I am called to hospital chaplaincy. If you have been following previous posts, you'll remember that my original plan for CPE was to do it through the social service agencies of the Urban CPE Consortium. That kind of ministry is more up my ally. But, alas, a hospital is where I ended up.

3) I am a pretty private person and do not normally share personal things unless and until I have built a relationship with someone. That protectiveness is out the window when you're doing CPE. The four of us (three interns and supervisor) meet multiple times a week to talk. Reflect. Talk about how we're doing. How we're feeling. Sometimes we type out and analyze a conversation we have had with a patient (these are called Verbatims) and we discuss them in group. Though it is clear that if there is something we do not want to discuss, we can always say so, the expectation is that in most cases, we will talk and discuss.

4) We have to set goals. I've never really worked anywhere where goals were actually discussed, agreed upon, and then continually discussed to see how we are progressing towards them. Our formal goals are due next week and we also need to have some idea of what we will do to try to reach the goals.

5) One of my goals is going to be simply making it through the unit. That got a laugh from my entire group yesterday. Mary said that was too broad...but after discussing it, she said she would accept it as a goal, if I make it more specific and concrete. I don't really doubt that I will make it through the unit. I am fairly stubborn and usually finish what I start. However, sometimes I struggle because I am not a fan of this type of ministry and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. Of course, if I stay in seminary and continue in ELCA ordination, CPE will be required. Though sometimes I also question that path, I don't want to have to revisit CPE again. So, with about 85% certaintly, I will say I will finish the unit.

6) I often doubt my abilities and have really low self-confidence and self-esteem. I often doubt that I will be able to help anyone. I panic over not knowing how to extemporaneously pray with people. I fear making a person feel worse instead of better. I fear not knowing how to interact with patients/families in the moment.

I am trying to get better, especially with #6. On my first on-call, I was a nervous wreck all day. I think I probably had some people legitimately worried that I would make it through, though they continued to tell me I would. I'm pretty sure my supervisor expected at least one panicked phone call. But I never called her. Never even thought about it. I was terrified of the pager going off. When it did go off, my initial reaction was "Oh, shit!" (which, by the way, I am not the only one who has that reaction). But when I was actually with patients (or in the case of the deaths, families), I was completely composed. I prayed with people. I have no idea what I said. The words were not mine. But the people thanked me and it actually did seem to help. It was almost as if someone else were doing all of the action. Maybe it was. Maybe God took complete control of my body.

The next day at on-call report, I told about my evening. I was told later by someone that I was like a completely different person then than I had been the day before. He expected me to have fallen apart, and I read the report with confidence and it appeared that I had been confident through the on-call.

So maybe I am growing. However, none of this in any way means I am looking forward to the next on-call. I am sure I will be a nervous wreck again.

On-Call #1

This past Monday was my first solo on-call. That meant that I had the on-call pager for a 24 hour period (well, it was actually about 20 hours because in the morning, we still had some orientation stuff to do). But by about 6pm, no other chaplains were in the hospital (Rush has over 600 beds). Needless to say, I was a little anxious and totally freaked out. Though I did have my supervisor's phone numbers and she told me it was perfectly fine to call.

Page went off for the first time not five minutes after I got it. Went and spoke to a patient and family about a Durable Power of Attorney. Any DPOA requests are handled by a chaplain.

Shortly thereafter, I was paged to sit in on a meeting with a family about removing life support from their loved one.

Then I was paged for a regular patient visit.

I got several other pages that I do not remember now.

At some point, I got a page for a Code Blue, but by the time I got to the first floor, a nurse told me everything was fine.

I got a page for a heart attack in the ED. But there was no family and patient couldn't communicate, so she told me not to come.

I got a page for a patient death. We are paged for every death. 1) because it makes sense to have a chaplain, religious-y person when a person had died. and 2) there is a form that has to be filled out, and we are the ones who fill it out.

At 2:30 am, I got a page for another patient death.

At 6:00 am, I got a page for a DPOA.

At 8:17 I got a Code Blue page. By this time I was already in the office and Karen offered to take care of it since I had to do the on-call report. Thank you, Karen! :)

During this night, I slept at the hospital. Very briefly, but I slept. There is a chaplain on-call room in the hospital, outfitted with a computer, television, desk, bathroom, and...you guessed it - a hospital bed! I think maybe I slept two hours total. In addition to waking up the the pager, and not being able to sleep because of anticipation of the pager, I was also awoken twice by a floor cleaner and at least once by beeping from the hall that sounded like a carbon monoxide detector dying. I know what that sound is because my detector at home jsut did that.

All in all, I survivede the night. After I gave my report the next morning, I ended with "And that was my first on-call." Everyone there (other chaplains/staff) clapped for me. January 30 will be my next on-call. Which should be really interesting because that is also the first day of classes for Spring Semester at LSTC.

CPE Orientation and Stuff

The above picture is Rush University Medical Center. The building on the left is the new hospital, the Tower. This medical campus is where I will be for approximately 40 hours a week until mid-March.

CPE for me began on Wednesday, January 4, 8:30 am. Most of weeks 1 and 2 were orientation, and parts of week 3 will be as well. There are three students in my CPE group, me, Nick and Mike. Mary is our supervisor.

Before beginning CPE, many people told me that orientation weeks would be exhausting. I didn't really believe it could be THAT tiring....but I was wrong. Many days, I came home at 5:00...and promptly took a nap. Talking on the phone was a challenge for a few days...I kept leaving words out of sentences.

This is not to say anything negative about the experience, just that it has been tiring. Made all the more tiring on Tuesday/Wednesday. I got to the hospital at about 8:00 on Tuesday morning. I left the hospital at 2:30 Wednesday afternoon. I had just completed my first on-call, shadowing one of the staff.

When one is on call at Rush, it begins with accepting the on-call pager at 8:30 in the morning. You are responsible for taking care of (or referring if appropriate) any pages that come through until 8:30 the next day, when someone else takes the pager. The night I shadowed, we received several calls for visits - patients just wanting a chaplain to come talk to them. We received a call to do a DPOA, a Durable Power of Attorney. At Rush, any request for a DPOA, or even a request for information regarding one, is taken care of by a chaplain. After doing all of those things, and having dinner, we went back to the on-call room. The on-call room is a dorm-like room where the on-call chaplain stays overnight. There is also a bathroom and a second room with a bed. The second room is sometimes used by us and sometimes used by other departments as an on-call room. Pat was the chaplain I shadowed and I actually had a really good time with her. She gave me lots of practical advice...and I gave her some hints on speeding up computer work. ;) We had some good conversation. We went to bed about 2:15 in the morning. She got a code blue (patient stopped breathing or heart stopped) page at 4:30. She called and the nurse said they would call back when family were on their way. Got the phone call at 5:00. We got to the patient's room by about 5:30. The patient died about 5 minutes after we got there. So we stayed with the family, filled out paperwork, got them parking passes, and they left about 2 hours later. We then finished our charting, went back to the room, and got our stuff to be at On Call Report at 8:30. Which is kind of self-explanatory. The on-call person(s) tell everyone else in the department (well, whoever happens to be there) what happened in the last 24 hours.

We have also gotten lots of food these past weeks. One person said that at Rush, CPE actually stands for "Chaplains Perpetually Eating." Fine with me!

We have learned how to do charting of every visit.

We have learned what the Ethics consultation service does.

We have learned what Living Wills, Durable Powers of Attorneys, and the Health Care Surrogate Act are.

We have learned that we need to figure out what, theologically, we are ok with doing. They have told us several times that we will never be forced to do anything against our beliefs....but that we may need to make it happen. I.e. Jewish rabbi was asked to do a baptism. Not in his beliefs. He doesn't do it. Instead, he facilitates it and has the father do it. Things like that.

We have visited the morgue.

We have learned how to use pagers. And I noticed today that our names have finally been changed from last quarter's interns!

We have learned many other things, but some of them have slipped my mind. Information overload. But, not to worry, we have a binder with cheatsheets.

I learned that I really like cheeseburgers and fries from the cafeteria. And that the cafeteria is the cheapest (and is actually reasonable) place to eat in the hospital.

I visited my first patient on a 'cold call' yesterday. I know that sounds bad, but it's what it is. You just walk into a room to talk to a patient with no knowledge of them whatsoever. I got kicked out. Not rudely, but I got kicked out. We were told this would happen and that we need to respect that. We are the only professionals that a patient can kick out of the room - they can't really kick their doctors or nurses out. It's one of the few things they still have control of. So if they want us out, we should get out.

I talked to another patient today, and it went much better. He wanted information about a DPOA.

Sunday there is going to be a memorial service. This is held quarterly for all of the patients who have died in the last quarter. I am participating in it and am reading the Lord's Prayer.

Monday will be an interesting day.

I am on call.

By myself.

13 Hours

In 13 hours, my 400 hour unit of CPE will start at Rush University Medical Center. I am actually kind of excited about it. And completely terrified. I had to go today to do some paperwork. And I have to do a second TB test. I had one done in Louisville last week, but apparently, if you do the skin test, Rush has to see two, at least a week apart. Yeah, me.

But I got to talk to a few current residents/interns today and they were both very positive. One of them told me I would love it and that the program at Rush is very good. And that everyone is very supportive of each other. She also said that after orientation, I will be completely exhausted because there is so much information.